10 weeks, dodging doggies

I've no idea if people are getting bored of this yet or how helpful people find it but for now I still quite enjoy writing this as a way of making me put things in perspective. I always had it in mind I'd update weekly for the first 12 weeks then probably drop to monthly.  Which means if my regular 6 readers are still tuning in, you've only got a couple more after this and then you get a nice break.  Unless anything dramatic happens in between that I just have to write. And seeing anything dramatic and hip recovery related is more likely to be bad I'm mostly hoping I'm not writing. That isn't me being overly depressive. Just that dramatic could be something like a dislocation or bad fall. And I'm not planning on either, and the odds are low, but on the bad side they're probably the most likely.  To be dramatic in a good way would really mean I've managed to do the splits or something. And while I'd love to be able to, it's years since I've got close to that so not holding my breath there. I'll be happy to get back to pilates and dancing and riding, none of which class as dramatic.

It feels kind of odd now. It's 10 weeks since my op. In some ways it doesn't seem that long but at the same time it seems ages. I find it hard to imagine having to use a stick to go walking,  or to be limping. I always knew I had a lot less overall pain than many others. Obviously that's a good thing but it meant I was worried I'd not appreciate the surgery as much, especially if I had post op pain to deal with. I remember somebody telling me that once I'd had the op I'd realise just how much pain I had been coping with. They were right. I realise now just how much I got caught out by the 'catching' where my knee or hip would lock and I had to make a real effort to manoeuvre out or know there would be that moment of excruciating pain to get back into position. I had a fear of my leg giving out under me. I couldn't plan to go anywhere walking any distance.  From that perspective it has made a fantastic difference.

And that feeling comes when I'm still under many of my restrictions.  Even though I still have to use my grabber to dress below the waist, and my sock aid and shoe horn, it hasn't really stopped me doing anything. I've gone 'swimming', and clothes shopping on my own and managed fine.  By swimming I mean hydrotherapy but still I had to negotiate changing rooms. I also had to endure becoming an unwelcome object of attention from a small boy as I was getting dressed after. I'd deliberately taken myself to an area that was a little more 'contained' but it happened to be next to the area designed for young kids. I'd done the strategic removal of top half of costume and dried and slipped into bra and t-shirt.  A Scooby Doo  t-shirt.  Big grinning Scooby face on the front. And having got the t-shirt on I was ready to sort the bottom half out. I was still wrapped in my towel and just getting grabber ready to get me into my knickers when I heard a squeal from a few feet away. I looked up and there was this little lad of about 4 or 5 years old. He was just staring at me and trying to call to somebody else I couldn't see. He did then disappear behind the lockers but I could hear the words Scooby Doo coming out and had a feeling he wasn't quite finished with me. So I decided this wasn't the moment to go for knickers. Obviously I could have turned my back on him but that would've meant giving him a flash of my arse as trying to do the knickers plus grabber routine under cover of a towel is just not that easy. Too many things to hold, too few hands.  So I just sat there and sure enough he appeared back,  pointing at me saying 'look, her, she's the one' while little sister got to come and look at me. And they seemed happy to just stand and look at me while I sat there knickers in hand. After what felt like an age his mum appeared and did seem duly mortified that her kids were just staring at me and hauled them back.  I've never got dressed quite as quickly as I did once they'd gone. 

On the subject of hydrotherapy I got the good news I wanted last week when the insurance people agreed to pay for another 4 sessions. That takes me beyond week 12 and I get a final session a week after I come back from my chill out break in Morocco.  The hydrotherapy is great as I can do exercises that are difficult or painful or both on dry land. Last week it was a different  physio and she got me doing some pretty full on balancing and step work. If you never tried being in a pool, balancing on your operated leg, balancing on a float, you don't know what you're missing.  All the rules about not crossing legs over went out the window as I was flailing my good leg all over the place while trying to catch the ball and balance. Did I forget to mention we had to play catch too? What was interesting was hearing the physio say that they're considering lifting the rules, and making out like I really didn't need to be worried. 2 more weeks before the restrictions are officially lifted but considering some people have that at 6 weeks it does make me feel a bit more relaxed. Having said that, I can see me probably still being more cautious as on a lot of things it's becoming second nature. I have perfected my golfers bend and don't need to even go outside let alone whack a little ball around. And if I'm not being cautious I reckon I'm going to be so out of condition I won't be able to do stuff.  God knows when I last got near my toes. I had lost a lot of flexibility long before my op, it feels like a long time before I'll be able to reach again. My toes were looking so shabby I treated myself to a pedicure last week. I'd really done it to get them painted but getting the full works with the scrub as well...I think I can see myself doing that again whether I can reach or not.

Going through all this has certainly made me appreciate the value of 'me time' and a bit of pampering.  I've sworn I won't work stupid hours but that's gone out the window today. I'm justifying it as a bit of a one off but have done that loads before. I'm determined this time it's not going to become a habit again. And with my extra time not working I'm going to invest more in things like pedicures and massages.

I could have done with a massage today as I'm feeling the effects of being at the gym yesterday. I've not got as much walking in since being back working, though I try a bit more when I work from home. Friday went really well. I started the day with a walk, just a mile or so but still got me out there. Then I took a late and slightly elongated work break to go out with Kev for a pub lunch. And we walked there and back. Got that fitbit buzzing for my 10K well easily :)  I would have done the morning walk today except that it was chucking it with rain but I did venture out at lunch. Only no pub this time. Just a psychotic dog that appeared from some driveway barking like mad at me and trying to block my way. It was bloody effective too, I wasn't going to risk having it jump at me or knock me over. Or bite my ankles. Yes ankles. It was only a sodding Chihuahua but it got the better of me until some woman appeared and chased her little darling back into the garden.  There must be something about local wildlife disrupting my walks as I've been detoured by swans and now delayed by a midget canine.

The best bit was that I actually had to stop myself breaking into a bit of a jog from the dog. And from running upstairs to get something quickly in an ad break. To me just generally walking around feels so normal I forget I can't run yet, or twist/bend/jump. It's quite a nice position to be in. I do still have the groin pain but more often it's during night or when I've been sitting. And I'm still the oedema poster girl, swelling stupidly. But it seems to be easing a wee bit. I test it by kneeling down and sitting back on my heels and seeing how tight the skin feels round my knees. I'm also on a new tactic with dry brushing. I've heard about this before as a way to keep cellulite at bay. I bought a brush ages ago but never did much with it. But now it seems a better reason other than just vanity.  Mind you it's a good thing I had my legs waxed or the phrase 'brushing my legs' could've been so much more unpleasant!  So will it work?  Will my fluid decrease and bring about the weight loss I want? No gain this week but nothing lost either. And I sorted out my summer clothes at the weekend. I actually have trousers that fit at the hips but are tight at the knees.  That's just wrong!   So watch this space to see when I start shrinking. And if it happens when I'm into monthly blog updates maybe that will count as dramatic enough for its own edition  :)

9 weeks, the heeling process

Week 9 (and I can’t help but hear that in a Geordie accent followed by the words “in the Big Brother house” and I don’t even watch the show fgs!). 3 weeks after many lose their restrictions, 3 weeks before I get mine lifted and it’s felt like things have gone depressingly backwards at times.  I’m trying to see it as a mere blip in the bigger journey of recovery but it doesn’t half piss me off at times.

Part of me is envious of people who are told they no longer have to follow the rules of 90 degrees etc; part of me is a little bit glad I still have them as I hate to admit it but sometimes I’m a bit scared of being let loose and trying to be normal, in case it hurts and I fail.  When things hurt or feel stiff and achey, I almost use the fact I’m still protecting myself as an excuse to back off things.  I don’t have to worry about whether it feels awkward or painful to bend to put socks on as I’m not allowed to do that.  I think there’s a fear of feeling even more like an old wreck when I first try and can’t do it.  This whole thing really is more about between the ears than the hip bones.  At work last week and today I’ve had people coming up telling me how well I look, how they wouldn’t have known I’d anything wrong, how I’m walking brilliantly.  And it’s lovely and they’re right and I tell them how great it is, albeit with some niggly pains.  Then at home when I feel stiff, sore, tired…I just hit a downer and forget the good stuff but just get wound up and feeling kind of old and useless.  As I’ve said before, and this time paraphrasing a certain Norwegian football commentator, my self esteem has taken one hell of a beating.  And it’s never been in great shape.  And events of the past couple of days haven’t helped.

Thursday I saw the physio, this time to have some soft tissue massage.  Wow did she find some bits that were tight.  My thighs were screaming at me, I was trying not to scream at her.  But she did do some great work on my tight IT band.  It’s something that runs down the leg and is what’s been giving me the pain on the outside of my knee.  So she really massaged it well and it definitely felt easier afterwards.  She told me that at home I could keep on top of it by massaging it myself, or getting Kev to. Ha, now I get payback for all the times I hear ‘will you just do my shoulders’.  But she also suggested something else I can use.  A rolling pin.  And she’s serious.  

So I’ve tried it and it does work.  I do have to be a bit gentle as my rolling pin is marble so bloody heavy.  But seeing my pastry could serve as a fairly useful substitute for shoe leather, this is probably a far far better thing that I do than I have ever done with the darned thing (how about that, quoting Norwegian football commentators and Dickens in one blog post – literary masterpiece or what!)

She also saw me do the evil exercises I’ve been set and it transpires that I’ve been doing a couple of them a little bit wrong. Not totally rubbish but enough to not get enough benefit, and to have been making the knee pain more noticeable.  And if I’m honest because I struggled with those exercises I have probably been spending more time on others, so while my quads have had some belting stretches, my glutes and outer thigh haven’t been getting the workout they need.

So Friday I tried a bit harder.  I was working from home and did have a busy day but I did make more effort, and then Saturday morning I really went for it on them, determined to get them done properly.  After that I walked down into town.  A nothing walk really.  I was even a bit peed off debating in my head about where I could go to get more steps in.  Only I’d barely started the walk back home when my hip hurt like hell and I had to ring Kev to come get me.  It was the first time I’ve actually had hip pain.  Back pain, check; groin pain, double check. But hip pain was a first.  So I was driven home and spent the rest of the day feeling bored and sore.  Then in the evening I snapped myself out of my grump and went for some heat and massage on my legs.  When I say ‘went for’ I don’t mean I went somewhere to be pampered.  I mean I got the heat pad and then the rolling pin out.  And then I did some of the exercises again and it actually felt a lot better.  So lesson learned there – do the bloody exercises and do them properly and then things are OK.  Groin pain is the exception.  Still can’t sort that bugger out!

Yesterday the weather was nicer.  Well it was sunnier, still bloody cold but with sunshine the world seems a nicer place.  We decided to go to Trentham Village, about half hour’s drive away but Kev at the wheel.  To make a change from living in trackie bottoms I put on one of the pairs of jeans that will still go near me, and a proper shirt rather than just a t-shirt, and my favourite scarf.  And decided to wear something other than bloody trainers (sneakers for you guys in the US – confused some more people with that this week) so I chose some boots.  Now much as I would love to be in heels (see blog post from back in December) I am realistic so did sensibly stick to my flat boots.  

You can see the massive heel they’ve got (yes I am being sarcastic)  and it’s not only a very very low heel but it’s a large broad one.  No narrow pointy thing here.  It only felt odd wearing it in as much as I had the leather round my ankle where there’s nothing there with a trainer.  But half an hour into the shopping and god my back was so painful.  In the end by the time we were ready for some lunch I had no choice but to stop walking.  But not before I’d bought some paracetamol.  The one day I come out with no drugs…!  So drugs and lunch and it did ease off but that was a hell of a shock to realise that these boringly innocuous things could make me hurt so much.  I do know that high heels are not good for you.  But to be fair I don’t wear very high heels when I do lot of walking.  They’re just really for making me look and feel a bit better when I go out, usually going no further than between my table and the ladies loo.  But I do like my boots and shoes in work too, not mega high but enough to make me feel better than I do in flats.  And yes I will admit if it comes down to it, I have sufficient vanity to take the hit a bit.  But it made me realise that I have some way to go before I can venture into higher heels, even my more modest work higher.  I also heard though that if a shoe/boot has been well worn then it is based on my old walk.  Now my walk has changed an old shoe will force me back towards old walk.  Therefore I must go buy new ones.  Every cloud and all that :)

Today I still felt quite stiff but I was back in the office so didn’t do much in the way of exercise until I got home this evening.  I do think that really made a difference to the hip thing – now I’m doing more of the nasty exercises but doing them better it doesn’t hurt as much.  Apart from the groin pain.  I’m really trying on the stretches for that and occasionally there’s some respite but overall it’s worse now than it was a week ago.  Hopefully hydrotherapy tomorrow can help there.  The swelling is still a bit of a problem.  My right ankle now looks pretty puffy and feels even more so.  I am trying to rest with legs up more, even bagged half an hour on a bed in our Occ Health unit at work today.  I saw Liz, the wonder nurse as I left the hospital on Thursday and spoke to her; she remains unconcerned and says if I rest it will settle.  So I will try to use the bed thing at work, I’m trying to use mine at home when I’m working there.  And best of all while my legs are sore I am winning the fight with Kev for the favourite recliner chair.  Again, every cloud…:)

8 weeks, whatever normal means

When they talk about getting back to normal there'd likely be a few people who would question the use of that word to describe me. For one thing I'm a 51 yr old woman who is an unashamed Doctor Who geek. I am happy to admit I know the difference between a Sontaran and Silurian. I can tell the differences between the outside of the Tardis for the 10th and 11th doctors (St John badge for any saddos who were wondering). I haven't missed an episode since it returned in 2005. I dragged Kev along to Manchester to see the 50th anniversary special live on the big screen. I have the theme tune from the tenth doctor era as my ring tone on my phone. I used to have the Tardis noise as my text tone but can't figure out how to get this phone to do it. I get irritated by people who refer to the character as Doctor Who. He is just the Doctor.  And it's never Dr Who. Just add the extra 4 letters, it's not that difficult. 

And those latter examples of my DW (only acceptable abbreviation) geekiness  also give a hint to another trait, that of being a bit of a grammar Nazi. I cringe at the use of 'should of' (or worse still 'shud of').  I can't abide incorrect use of their/there/they're. I even have an opinion on the Oxford comma; I don't like it and hardly ever feel a need to use it.

And my weekend or a midweek evening can be turned from good to bad or vice versa depending on the results of football matches. In particular Liverpool results. I can't help it, it's been that way since I was about 10. Things have changed a bit; I no longer have my bedroom covered in posters of the team, with Kenny Dalglish strategically positioned to be the first I saw when I woke.  And Liverpool don't win titles like they used to.  26 years of hurt and counting.  But there is also joy to be had in revelling in the misfortune of Man Utd lately to soften the blow.  Yes I know they're above us but they're still rubbish compared to their own opinion of themselves so I'm allowed to laugh.

So if all of the above is entirely normal well that's fine.  It's my normal.  I'm old enough now that I don't care if I'm a geek.  It gives me a good bond with my equally geek son.  As far as the hip is concerned I've lost track of what normal is.  Sure, until the latter part of last year I could still walk unaided but I often had episodes of pain.  And my mobility hasn't been right and fully functional for getting on for 5 years now.  I waved bye bye to my dancing classes, my zumba and aspects of my sex life!  So if I get to wave hello to them again I will be very happy.

I've been pretty good about doing my exercises and that has paid off with my thighs no longer screaming at me quite so loudly.  The groin pain still persists though but I'm trying to rationalise my progress by looking at how I was a few months back.   I have been to the gym.  I didn't do a lot there but I went. About 15 mins slowish treadmill walking, 10 mins on the bike and only about 5 on the cross-trainer but it's a start.  

On Saturday I walked down to one of the stores in town, one of the furthest out from my house.  By the time I'd also popped into another shop on the way back I'd done a round trip of 2.5 miles.  And for the first time I didn't plan the route and try to figure out if I should do it or not, I just did it.  Then in the afternoon I decided I wanted to visit Northwich.  Kev was out on a job most of the day so it was drive myself or not go.  So I went.  I just drove there and spent quite a while wandering round the shops.  No thought about whether I should or shouldn't.  I just did it.  And isn't that more normal than anything?  It felt good just being that free for the first time in ages, not making concessions to my hip.  Kev's car is horrible for me to drive but I survived.  I was a bit achey by the end of the day but I put that down to how I did a lot having spent a long time doing very little.  Of course I was feeling it but not in an 'oh my god what have I done' kind of way.  

On Sunday I went over to Shakerley Mere intending to walk a couple of laps round the lake.  As it was I just did one as I was a little sore, and ended up not going to the gym as I'd originally had in mind.  Maybe I did slightly overdo it on Saturday!  But hey I've got to live and can't wrap up in cotton wool forever.  The way I see it, even properly normal people will have days they do a bit more than they planned.  Ok maybe I need to be a bit careful but it was just walking - I didn't go off in high heels and hit a dance floor.  In fact having thought I'd be climbing the walls to get back in heels I haven't gone near them yet.  At the moment I'm enjoying feeling I can walk normally so why risk that for a few more weeks in flats.  And if I was a little gutted at feeling sore well there was some comfort. Liverpool won 4-1, Man Utd lost 3-0

And I took another step back to normal life today with my first day in the office.  Well half a day really but who's counting.  Although I've been working part of each day for the past 2 weeks, it was lovely actually seeing real people again.  Some were quick to welcome me back, some looked as if they didn't realise I hadn't actually been anywhere (did they think they'd just gone deaf the past 8 weeks??).  I did lose a bit of time chatting and showing xray pics off - don't worry I made up the time after!  It was a real boost to the ego when people seemed in some cases genuinely surprised to see me walking normally.  Several people said how well I was looking and 2 in particular have commented how even when I thought I was doing OK before, they thought I'd looked pained and it was good seeing that gone now.  And particular shout out to the lovely people who said I looked as if I'd lost weight.  I have made a note of what I was wearing as I am in fact about 10 lbs heavier than  when  I was last in the office.  I did lose a pound over last week but hardly dropping off me.  I can only assume the walking makes me look more toned and the swelling is the weight and is hidden well.  Either that or they need to go go Specsavers but hey I'll take the compliment thank you :)

I did get home a bit heavy legged but did my exercises and then went for a walk to see a friend.  I was actually pretty glad of the sit down at hers, and then by the time I'd got home I'm aching again but just the infernal groin pain.  But it was cold and windy, I'm fasting today and was tired so nothing untoward in this.  I do have to remember there's still healing going on, if I do a lot I will tire.  But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
And at the end of the day, it's just normal.  Whatever that is for me :)

7 weeks, muscles and fluid

So this is where I'm driving and working and it's all back to normal, right? Wrong!! From various comments from other people it seems a lot of us thought this would be the point it became plain sailing but it doesn't quite work like that. There's still a lot of work to do and in the form of new exercises.  Clamshells I've never liked and now that feeling has gone up a notch. Leg lifts can be a killer. Even the bridge has become something to dread rather than accomplished with some ease.  Honestly to see me doing/attempting them you'd swear I'd not been in a gym for 20 years. 

It really is pathetic where I'm desperately trying to justify how I can skip a few repetitions on the basis that it can't be good to work through pain.  I must have a lot of thigh muscles that have been lying dormant and are now being kicked into life and God they are screaming at me.  I feel like my quads are going to burst out of my skin at times.  And that's on top of continuing niggling from the other pain I get from my groin into the very top of the front of my thigh.  

I would actually be OK just walking around. There's a lot of 'don'ts' when I'm walking. I don't use any walking aids (though do carry fold-up walking stick just case. It's purple, it's allowed). I don't limp. I don't waddle. I don't hurt. I really don't hurt in my hip at all, well most of the time. Today I had a bit of twinging round the scar area but nothing to interfere with my walking.  It's just occasionally like tiny needle pricks then settles, and seems to be a sign of overdoing things.  Obviously not my exercises!  No, walking is fine and most of the time I really enjoy it.

But when I'm not walking around I notice the thighs much more and it's not fun.  I feel if I rested until they eased up it would mean I've stopped doing all my exercises as it seems continuous. So I'm carrying on and hoping they'll just get used to it and not throw a total hissy fit at me for being mean to them when they're tired and achey. 

And the other thing is swelling which frankly is bugging me big time now. They warn you swelling can happen so when I ballooned on my operated leg a day or so after coming home from hospital I was ok with that. I rested,  elevated etc and it settled. Apart from one little puffy patch below the incision area but otherwise it was fine. But then a week or so back I started getting the feeling that my skin was too tight. And it's both legs, most noticeably around knees and downwards. And elevating seems to do bog all. I did notice at first my calves also felt pretty achey but it was at the time I was first going crutchless so put it down to that.  But today I woke up ok, then during the morning they started feeling tight and when i went for a walk, achesville again.   

What also bothers me is that the tight feeling came on after being sitting at my desk to work.  I ended up taking my laptop back in the bedroom and working from there with legs on the bed. It's a pain as I would rather be able to use proper keyboard,  mouse and monitor.  It's also a pain as I'm due back in the office next week and there's no back up bed I can work from there.  

So I ended up calling Liz, Mr Hoad-Reddick's head nurse. She rang back this evening and was great as always, said it's not as common as the initial swelling but still happens quite a bit. She said sitting at the desk makes it worse so I need to be moving very regularly. So be warned if you see me round the office, I'm not skiving, just working on fluid reduction!

I'd actually got quite down by lunchtime today. I'd had a walk but wondered if I should be resting up. But with the weather being nice I want to be out. I was so pleased when she said I was fine to carry on walking so promptly headed out. For the first time since the op I decided to do the canal path.  It's a short walk to some steps down to the water. They were quite steep which was interesting, a little nervy. Then luckily the path itself was resurfaced a while back so it's proper hard surface and not a mud track, and I felt nice and secure. I did a circular  route which was 1.7 miles, my longest crutch free and took just over half an hour so I'm picking up my pace too. On the way home I yet again got unnecessarily freaked out by my fitbit buzzing for hitting 10000 steps.  I must learn to ignore that.  I'm hoping to do the walking challenge thing at work this year where we aim for 10000 every day.  

As well as walking I also popped into the local leisure centre where I have gym membership which I thought was due to run out. Turns out it's not going to do that until May and then they have new cheap membership fee to reflect it being a bit rubbish! It suits me, I have simple tastes in gym equipment and I don't use the other bigger gyms nor swim so using only that one which is small and often empty in evenings is perfect for me. 

And I'm successfully back on track fasting. Saturday was a little bit of a let down as I weighed in at just 1lb less. And that was not only having done 2 fasts in the week but also having done one the day before. But now I have the perfect excuse. I'm not fat,  it's just fluid with my swelling. Oedema is my get out clause :)