Scary stuff

So things are getting real and scary now. I finally got my letter confirming date and time for my surgery. Date I already knew, I chose it myself back in November.  Time I didn't.  There's no way I would choose to get to hospital at 7am,  when it takes about an hour to get there.  On the other hand I can't see me getting much sleep the night before anyway so maybe getting up and getting gone will be a good thing. I just hope it means I get seen early...can't face hanging round for hours.

The letter came with all the various bits of blurb. Like what to bring. I went shopping Saturday and got a couple of nightshirts and some sexy slippers. Sorry, did I say sexy? I meant spotty. There's nothing remotely sexy  going on these days!  Also got some equally unsexy  big knickers. And not even big knickers a la Bridget Jones. Not big knickers for shaping me to look gorgeous and slinky. Just big knickers.  Sensible.  Practical.  And will be unceremoniously binned when all this is over.

And then there's also all the other stuff. The warnings about DVT, infection...death from pulmonary embolism probably, I haven't steeled myself to read it all yet. But to be honest those things don't actually bother me. Well maybe a little.  I don't especially want an infection. Or death for that matter. But somehow those biggies are somewhat out of my control. Obviously  hygiene I have some control over. And I'll obey orders to minimise others problems. But it's the smaller things that fit in that are starting to get me a teensy bit nervy. OK more than  a teensy bit sometimes.

The DVT thing for one. This week I had a really nice chat with a former colleague who had her THR at the same hospital and with same surgeon so I got to find out more realistically what exactly I can expect. On the plus side it seems I won't have to wear compression stocking. ..yayyyyy :)   But the trade off is self injections of blood thinners every day for 6 weeks. Seriously  the thought of that makes me feel ill. I'm quite needle phobic and just have no idea how I'll do it.  Maybe if it's the pen sort I might be able to have a go but if it looks anything like a needle it'll freak me out. Am hoping I can try for tablets but this one thing is really getting to me. It's even worse than the thought of the spinal anaesthetic. Maybe cos that's just one needle once and I don't have to see it.

The other thing making me slightly paranoid is my cough. I had a cold 3 weeks ago which came and went as colds do. But now I have MY cough. This happens every time I get a cold. I don't even get colds much these days but for several years now I get a very persistent dry cough after the cold goes. I've had chest x rays,  lung function tests, tubes shoved down my nose and throat and nobody finds anything. I did at one time get a vague diagnosis of something called cough variant asthma. The cough 

now is, as always, very loud  very painful, very unproductive.  And apparently not infectious. But of course my worry is that it could be seen as a problem and delay my op. I'm seeing my GP on Friday and if there's anything hinting at a bug I  would break all my rules and ask for antibiotics.

I just want this to happen now. Not right now I don't mean..,I'm suffering enough watching Liverpool on telly.  But I need this op. Despite getting a bit stressed about work - too much to do before I go - I really can't wait to have this op. I'm struggling much more now. Even on days when I think I'm doing OK people at work tell me how I look tired, they can see I'm in pain, I look older. Cheers,  let me just scrape the remains of my self-esteem off the floor!

So starting to get scared. Starting to worry something will throw a spanner in the works. And trying to concentrate on work. And most nights waking at least once thanks to the hip or Kev snoring or both. I wish the stress would manifest itself in weight loss but sadly even that pleasure is denied. So feeling old, tired, scared and fat. Liverpool,  no pressure but I'm relying on you to make me smile now!

Lesson learnt

This week started really well.  I was walking without my stick at work  andone it felt fine.  We moved to a new office and I wasn't daft enough to try moving crates or anything...God forbid, I'd probably be contravening several health and  safety rules if I did that.  But I was walking round the office, doing stairs (yes I used the handrails) and it all felt fine. 

Tuesday I worked from home and in the afternoon went to my pilates teacher for a private session. She's given me some exercises to help build up my strength ahead of the op; hopefully it might work some shrinking miracles on the ever expanding muffin top!

Wednesday I also managed to go stick free back in the office but by about 4pm I was actually feeling sore in my left hip which is my good one.  Then on the drive home my right hip felt rather wrong.  I think I'd got some payback for being rather complacent. Needless to say I was using my stick on Thursday. 

Friday we had a night away at a local hotel as we'd won a meal there. To get from our room to the restaurant we had the choice of quick route which meant going outside in the rain and cold, or negotiating an up-and-over approach and a few corridors.  There was a lift for the up, but after the over it was steep stairs down. Which meant on the way back it started with stairs up. I know they do have proper disabled access rooms but if you're not in one of them it's one heck of a faff. In the morning we had to take our bags out so the up-and-over approach was out the question.  But boy was I careful on the icy car park outside.

I'm now at the point where my worst fears about fear have come true. I'm now quite scared of anything that can hurt it.  In the hotel I was using my stick but at breakfast I did without just to go the short distance to get food (and plenty of it!) and I realised that I felt quite nervous. With my stick people give me space, without I'm part of the crowd, in there with any jostling. Not that there was a mad stampede for the last waffle and bacon but just the feeling that anybody could knock into me was scary.  

No such worries back at work today. I woke up and within a few moments of walking (slowly...my alarm goes off at 6) into the bathroom I had a really sharp pain in my hip.  Then as I took a step on it more pain.  I did manage to shower but was really struggling. I debated working from home but decided to go to the office instead. The driving was OK but jeez it hurt so much during the day. I even had sharp painful catches when all I was doing was sitting in my chair chatting to somebody. On top of that I also have a horrendous cough which made my hip twinge several times. 

So all in all I've ended up feeling a bit sorry for myself.  Bit of a barney with the hubby didn't help.  And of course the nightmare game at Anfield. One sodding shot, just ONE lousy shot from Shrek and the jammy bloody Mancs scab a win.  Sighhhhh onwards and upwards.   In 4 weeks time, all being well, I'll be lying in my bed in the Alex with a glued up hole in the side of my leg and hopefully on the way to all this hurty stuff being over. But will probably still be sore over that bloody Man Utd win.

Feeling good, feeling bad

5 weeks to go. Well actually 4 weeks, 6 days. I forgot to come here and blog yesterday.  I would love to have a great reason. I wish I could say I was busy doing some home cooking, or tidying up the house. Instead I was having a lazy evening watching soaps and trying to book a hotel in Amsterdam.  These days I'm not working stupid hours but am not really doing much with my extra time but in a way I like it.

One contributing factor in my lethargy is the fact I'm fighting off the cold that hit me last week. Having felt quite smug before Christmas that I'd avoided all the bugs while most people in the office were sneezing and spluttering away,  it caught up with me last week. I spent Wednesday in bed, working through my body weight in tissues and generally feeling bleurgh. (That apparently is a proper word...my predictive typing recognised it!). I'm now at the stage of lovely audible nose clearing and the cough from hell .

I have a long standing history of persistent coughs that last for weeks after I've had even a hint of a cold. Normally I take an inhaler, try all cough remedies under the sun but nothing much touches it. I get used to it, I spend my time apologising for it and then eventually it goes. But now  I'm getting paranoid about shaking it off so that it doesn't affect my surgery. I just don't want anything to happen that might mean they have to delay the op.  I've got too many holidays planned for after it!  I've even agreed with my manager to let me work from home the final week before my op to reduce my chances of catching anything. It'll be just my luck now that Kev gets ill!

So overall my feeling bad moments have come more from the cold than from my hip.  In fact the past few days my hip has been quite good. Towards the back end of the week it's been achey  but I've had hardly any sharp pain. I've been doing stairs without needing handrail too.  It does mean I have a tendency to get complacent and I do need to be careful...if I do too much it does remind me it's there.

But it's now put a new worry into my mind.  I read so many people saying how after the op its great to be finally pain free. I know that obviously there will be some post op soreness and discomfort as a bloody great hole through my hip muscles has to heal. But my worry is that I'll view it more negatively as I'm comparatively  pain free now. It does sound crazy I know...being in a fairly good place now is in my mind a reason to feel worse when things are better! It seems others are similar to me which is reassuring.  It's nice to know I'm not alone in being crazy :) And people have pointed out that I probably don't realise how much pain I do have until it's not there any more.  They say 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone'. In my case this could be a good thing :)

A little frustration

Today is 6 weeks before my right hip replacement, and was my first day back at work since Christmas  eve.  Going into work was the furthest I've driven in that time too and it's a journey that my hip thinks is about 10 minutes too long. I was tired anyway as between  my hip hurting and husband snoring I had a rough night sleep wise.   Oh and then there's menopausal  sweaty  moments to add into the mix. I really could have done with an extra half day in bed. Anyway feeling that way I took advantage of new temporary blue badge to let me park outside the front of the building.  Might as well make the most of any perks going :)

The last few days have been pretty good.  I've had a couple of days not needing the handrail going upstairs and I've managed the 'no-hands knickers' when getting  dressed. When I got out of the car today though I was feeling it again. I did try walking stickless down the office today but lost my nerve after doing that just once. That in itself is frustrating me as often I think the fear of pain is as damaging as the pain itself.  I knew after my arthroscopy  that I had got scared of my own hip and was worried about getting like that again.  For a while it didn't seem a problem but I'm facing up to it now...I am scared of my own hip. I'm scared of it hurting,  I'm scared of it collapsing under me.  I know I use my stick for security which in itself isn't a bad thing but it feels as if something else has been taken out of my own control and I really don't like that feeling.

I decided to do some shopping tonight after work. Primary reason was to buy  some trainers without laces that I can wear after surgery.  I'd seen some in pink and purple but they'd sold out. I ended up with some that are  dark blue with turquoise trim.  Kev took great delight in pointing out they're in Man City away kit colours!  While it was good to go out I was feeling it hurting a bit and I know I'm trying to get on and ignore it; I can be a stubborn  cow when I want! But it was also frustrating as I saw some lovely shoes and clothes that I just felt there was no point even thinking of.  The trip was doubly frustrating as I was back fasting today (8lbs gained over the holidays! !) and there were loads of new food outlets that I had to ignore.  At least I'm not premenstrual...if I was I think I could easily have killed for a pair of red stilettos and a Krispy Kreme  doughnut!

So...this post seems to have a had a lot of frustration but I do have to end on a good note (it works for Russell Howard).  One positive thing out of all this is that I feel I'm much more likely to stick to my resolve not to work stupid hours as I  did last year. I left at 4.45 to go shopping and for 2 days a week I'll be car sharing  so will have to leave sensibly. I'm also determined not to rush back to work too early. I would rather come back a bit earlier part-time than be away longer but then full on   into work. This year is going to be more about looking after me. Amazing what a few inches of titanium can do :)

New Year, new me?

I’ve never been one to go overboard with New Year’s resolutions.  In the back of my mind I tell myself I will get fit, eat better, declutter, get myself organised.  In reality I’m like many others who never quite seem to carry the good intentions through. So it’s quite nice that this year when I talk about a ‘new me’ that I know for a fact there will be a bit of me where that will be true.  Ok so it’s just one hip, and it’s down to mechanics rather than anything I can take credit for, but it’s there nonetheless.  And of course it’s almost impossible not to start mentally resolving how things will be different with my new joint.  

 

I know I have to do the exercises the physio gives me; hopefully that will lead to me generally taking on more of a healthy active lifestyle.  Having been laid up due to this old joint wearing away, it seems rude not to make sure I give the new one a proper lease of life.  I realise that just the ability to go for a walk is something many can’t do, so therefore I really should make the most of the opportunity I’ll have once recovered, and to get off my arse and DO more.

Even sedentary there’s lots to do.  I have spent most of this afternoon clearing out my e-mail accounts.  I have 3 accounts, and I had literally hundreds of old mails, most that had no value at all.  Of course when doing my deleting, then emptying the deleted items, and even saying ‘yes’ when I was asked if I was sure I wanted to permanently delete, I did still manage to delete one thing I shouldn’t have but I’m being philosophical about it.  I let myself get too wound up over things I can’t change and that’s something I need to get out of.  I’ve often said that my mind is rather dangerous and it shouldn’t be let out on its own.  With having the physical lay off coming up I need to stop letting the little things wind me up so much.  Things and people – I’ve let far too many of the wrong ones become too important lately.

So if I have any resolutions it’s to get my head space better and less cluttered.  I have a huge amount in my life to be thankful for and that’s where my focus needs to be.  I read somewhere recently that time you enjoy wasting isn’t wasted time.  I have wasted too much time on people that don’t deserve the attention , on work where I’m putting in far more hours than I need to, on worrying over things that either I can’t do anything about or I need to do something about and quit whinging over.  I’m feeling so positive about what I want to do with my new hip that I hope it’ll rub off generally.

I already have a list of things to look forward to apart from the hip: 

• My youngest son graduates in July so hopefully soon we’ll get a date for that
• We have a few days mid May booked in Morocco at possibly the most relaxing place I’ve ever been to.  That’s as much a wind down for Kev who will have been my carer during Feb/March and will deserve some downtime. 
•  I’m in the process of booking a few days in Barcelona in June/July. 
•  We have our main holiday booked late August when we do a 14 day cruise from Amsterdam to the Baltics and Russia, including an overnight stop in St Petersburg on my birthday
• We have our tickets for Carfest at the end of July, when once again our friends Jan and Dave will come and stay with us

So I can’t honestly say that I will promise a new me for 2016 but I will be doing my best to make sure the bad bits of the old me get put firmly in their place