If I were a boy

When Beyonce sung that song it was basically about how a boy couldn’t properly understand girls, love, hurt.  I think she missed a trick personally as there are so many more male-defining traits that I could think of. 

• The apparent freedom to belch, fart and fiddle with genitals in public.  If I’m a bit uncomfy in my bra while out shopping, you won’t see me hoisting my boobs around to sort things out – I’ll wait until I can get to the ladies and sort out discreetly

• The inability to ask for directions.  I credit myself with some intelligence and if I am somewhere new that I’m not familiar with, I don’t consider it as shameful to ask somebody where to go.  Even with a sat nav it’s not always helpful as I found when my sat nav tried to make me turn right the wrong way down a one way road in Leeds.  To be fair I think that has to be the worst place to drive to/in/round.  I went on a second visit only 6 days later and was still hopelessly lost, driving down bus/taxi lanes as they were the only roads I got onto in the right direction.  But a man will spend half a day and half a tank of petrol in a state of ‘it’ll be just along here’ before they even consider asking for assistance

• Avoiding simple colds and going straight for man-flu and expecting loads of sympathy and total absolution from  any tasks that need doing, that a woman with a cold would do without batting an eyelid

• Being able to pee standing up.  Now this is the biggie for me for which I really do envy men.  And something that takes on a whole new level of envy with the impending hip thing

I know I should get given some kind of toilet booster seat but I'm hoping I won't be housebound all the time and then there comes the issue of managing on normal seats.  And thank god I'm not going on a business trip to the States  - the loos there were really low down!  It was a bit like going back and visiting your old primary school.  I did wonder what would happen if my hip gave out mid visit.  And to think i thought using a stick in front of my work colleagues was embarassing!  Anyway with the knowledge that using another toilet might be a bit problematic - I'm fine with hovering but not sure how easy that is with crutches/stick/sore bits - I bought a SheWee (other brand female urinals are available).  I've done nothing with it yet except admire the very bright purple colouring and wondered who thought that would be a discreet way of blending in subtly.  My friend who plays golf tells me that women in her golf club use them…maybe that’s why golf sweaters are so vivid, it helps a lady using her purple plastic friend look less conspicuous.  Anyway I no longer need to worry about hovering over less than pristine toilets or being stuck risking dislocation on one that’s too low.  I can just assemble my purple gizmo with convenient extension tube and remain standing.  Just as long as I know where to go to use it.  God forbid I should ask anybody for directions…!

Sofa, so good

7 weeks until surgery and today things were great when I woke up.  The past few days have been quite painful, especially later on in the day. Yesterday we did a bit of shopping and part way through something just went and my hip was agony. I had my stick with me but was still struggling to take any weight on my right leg.

In the mornings I've felt like I'm testing myself as to what I can do. Does it hurt when I first stand? Can I walk to the bathroom without hurting? Then the next test is to put PJs or knickers on and if it's a really good day I can take weight on bad leg while I put left leg in. I have never got quite so excited about wearing a pair of knickers as I do when I can put them on without holding onto something!

If I pass that test ok then the biggie is going upstairs. Down is ok but going up and taking weight on right leg is the main thing. And often it turns out to be a fail.  Today I could do the walk upstairs and not hurt :)
I'm not brave enough to go anywhere without my stick now but when I popped to local supermarket this morning it stayed folded in my bag and I felt fine.

Later we went out on a mission to replace our very worn out 3-piece suite. I need something firm (cue childish giggle at semi-intentional innuendo) and smaller (saying nothing!). We ended up settling on the suite we wanted fairly quickly, and even picked the fabric we wanted without too much indecision. It isn't too dark, it's just a bit darker than what we have now. It'll be fine, honest. But then we spent time deciding on whether to have recliner or not, whether we would have manual or powered recliner, and whether to consider dual motor. And the main reasoning we applied was what would I need in my short term post-op. I did have great fun pressing buttons and moving up and down. Even managed to get it vibrating if you wiggled the buttons just right (stop it!). 

Anyway we decided that paying more for one that would lift me really wasn't worth it. I'll have short term mobility issues; I'm not making adaptations now for that much infirmity. I'm not letting myself think I'll do anything other than get back to normal and hopefully pretty darned quickly.

So we placed our order and it should arrive a few days after I come home. Not the very best timing but by ordering now and not a couple of weeks ago we did get sale prices :)

Feeling good

Ok today is 8 weeks until my hip replacement and right now I'm feeling really quite upbeat.
I hit a low on Friday when not only did it hurt but I felt really down emotionally.  I felt tired over the weekend and a bit sore.  But I've been reading loads of stories of people who are on the road to recovery and I know overwhelmingly I want to be there with them.

I have my wish list of what I want to get back to doing.  Things I haven't been able to do for the past 3-4 years.
Dancing - I started doing belly dancing in my 40s, throw in a bit of Bollywood too.  On a business trip to India in October they put on a show of dancing and it has inspired me to go again.  I want to be out there in Bhangra style
Zumba - this might be a bit ambitious as my doctor said that he's seen a massive increase in people with hip problems since zumba became so popular
Gym - I do still go but am restricted on what I can do and miss out a lot
Horse-riding - to be honest I'd pretty much given that up years ago but when I did the occasional bit it hurt.  Especially when my slightly crazy husband treated me to 3.5hrs fell riding in Cumbria for my 50th birthday.  On a Clydesdale!  It was fantastic at the time but boy did I pay the price.  But that's got to be an ambition for when I'm recovered

Today at work I was on a different site where I used to work, but several people there were surprised to see me using my stick.  There was some sympathy but mostly people said how I'll be so much better once I'm sorted and I totally agree.  I know I will probably have more downers.  But hey I don't need a bad hip to have them; I'm a Liverpool fan and after Saturday's appaling result against Watford I had every excuse to feel fed up.

But Liverpool WILL improve (I have to cling to that - I work with Man Utd fans)  And next year I will have a bright shiny new hip and I WILL be out there making the most of it.  Get me and my PMA :)

Pain, pain go away...

So Wednesday night I wore the new slinky red dress and heels and headed to our work's Christmas party.  The little sensible voice was telling me to ditch the heels for flats but the bit of me trying to claw some self esteem back over-ruled common sense.  I've had real up and down days since getting the surgery confirmed and when I bought the dress it was in a spirit of being determined to make myself feel better.  So I wore it and I felt good and I got loads of compliments on how I looked so it did the trick.

But whether it was just the heels I don't know but I really did seem to pay the price.  I actually felt quite miserable on the night; I couldn't dance, I didn't even have the energy to put myself through walking round the place looking for friends to catch up with so spent most of the night sat at my table.  And on the one night I didn't want to have to do too much walking our table was at the furthest point possible from the bar/loos/exit.

To be honest I have been struggling since last weekend with it feeling more painful but since Wednesday it's gone up a notch.  I have finally swallowed my pride at work and resorted to using my stick in the office.  I'm still mostly able to keep off the painkillers but it's definitely more noticeably uncomfortable.  Last night I felt really sore.  A hot bath didn't help and I ended up with an ice pack on my hip.

I also hit a real low emotionally.  My mum had 3 hip replacements so I know who to thank for dodgy hip genetics!  She passed away last year and for whatever reason I've not really done much in the way of crying and feeling that hollow upset feeling.  But last night it hit me.  Much as she'd drive me nuts fussing over me going through this, I just wanted to talk to her and I missed her so much.  I went to bed feeling totally drained as well as so sore.

Today I feel a bit better but made the mistake of going to the shops and forgot to take my stick.  I didn't walk far but it was far enough.  It's left me in 2 minds about going out tonight.  All I do when we have a disco to run is basically sit/stand behind the desk so I'm not doing anything to tax the hip but I'm just very conscious of it.  And also very frustrated at not being able to dance myself.  But unless I do myself any damage in the next few hours I'll be there. It feels like otherwise I won't see Kev for one thing.  It's hard on him as I don't think he really knows what to do or say.  To be honest I don't think there is anything he can do on either count.  I now am a bit worried that I should have booked my op for earlier; last night I was genuinely wondering how I could cope with another 7 weeks of this.  But then I have a better day and  better mood so I hope it will settle and I'll get on with things.

Bottom line is I know that there are many people who've been suffering worse for far longer and don't even know if they'll get surgery so I keep reminding myself that I'm actually in a decent situation really.  So instead of moping I'm going to try for some PMA and focus on the important things.  Like hoping Liverpool win against Watford tomorrow.  Now a defeat against them would be painful...!

2 months today!

In 2 months time...that's less than 9 weeks...I will be lying in bed recovering from being carved open a bit and having a new hip inserted.  It is now getting more and more real.

Sadly so is the evidence that things aren't right inside the current hip as it's started to hurt more.  In some ways the fact I've been able to do quite a lot has made me not see that I need to be careful.  So when a Christmas tree needed putting up, up it went.  It's an artificial one so there was a lot of bending over to insert branches.  That is always painful...nothing to do with the bending but the bugger leaves evil little scratches all up my arms.  Anyway tree was built, a few other decorations thrown around the room, lights put round the window.  Then in the evening it was off to work.  

We have a mobile disco business and I usually tag along on a Saturday night.  I basically either just sit or stand at the desk.  Sometimes I get a bit lively and have been known to take to the floor to demonstrate the cha-cha slide.  Not this time - there was minimal sliding left or right from  me.  But even with doing not a lot I felt sore and by the time we got home I was in enough pain to hit painkillers.  It has eased over the weekend and I went shopping yesterday, using stick but not hurting too bad.  But I am definitely feeling it a bit more.

I still haven't resorted to using my stick in the office.  At some point I will swallow my pride but not just yet.  And tomorrow night is Christmas party.  We go to Tatton Park for their extravanganza and it is a good evening.  Last year there were dodgems but I will have to be good and avoid them.  And I usually end up nattering with friends (especially drunken Andy!) more than I'm up dancing so that should be a wise move this time.  But I will at least start the night wearing heels :)

Shopping with new eyes

Had a day off work and hit shops today and it was odd finding myself thinking about what I'd be doing/buying in a couple of months after surgery.  Firstly I decided that maybe the idiot 'parked' next to us might have some kind of short term disability.  I say parked in a very generous sense of the word - abandoned might be better.  Though maybe it takes some skill to have the white line almost perfectly centrally underneath your car.  But the space on their right wasn't a full one so maybe they just needed the extra room and did no harm in taking up that space.  Or maybe they're just somebody with appalling spatial awareness who shouldn't be let loose in a car!

I was using my stick today so was more aware of the shops that allowed you to still get round the aisles with some comfort.  In some shops it wasn't the layout that was obstructive but other customers.  I don't expect special priority treatment but manners cost nothing.  C'mon people - your're giving Stoke area a bad name.  And yes there is a cue there for so much else to say but in the interests of not offending any Staffs readers I will say nothing more :)

I also found myself looking at slip on Sketchers.  Can't honestly say they'd be my favourite choice of footwear in normal circumstances but they do make them in purple or pink.  Hubby tried to convince me ther black ones were good but if I have to wear flats I want to at least feel a bit lively.  Though even I drew the line at considering the orange ones.

Having said all that (and with consideration of previous post on the subject of heels) the main part of my day was to get some shapewear to wear under the dress for the Christmas party on Wednesday.  Having been walking round the shops all day, trying that stuff on is quite hard work, but when you have wobbly bits to secure in place it's worth the pain.  Must admit I don't usually feel that good about how I look but in that dress, with the correct strapping beneath, with the right jewellery and with heels I looked pretty good.  Hubby didn't even add 'for your age' when he got a viewing and request for honest comment.  I think he is slightly scared of me now I have a stick again!  And yes the plan is to go with the heels though I may take emergency flats but dammit I'm going there with the intention of starting the night feeling a little bit glamourous.  By the end of it with potential of hip shouting at me and prosecco and/or Smirnoff having got the better of me glamour may take a dive out the window but hey we can start off good!

All the small things

It's funny, when people tell me not to worry about the hip replacement I'm sure they're talking about fear of the actual operation when that isn't actually anything I am that bothered about.  I admit I cringe at the thought of the spinal anaesthesia I'll have, and I'm trying not to think too much about post-op pain or the swelling I've been told is really common.  That's all the mechanics of the op itself and I know they're inevitable to some degree or another.

What really bothers me are (yet again) the more mundane trivial things that you take for granted until the ability to do them is taken away.  I've read various updates from people who've gone through hip replacement and the sheer range of recovery time and progress is huge; I know everybody is different but the variety really does seem enormous.  So the things I'm concerned about might (hopefully) be really short-lived but nonetheless for now they're bothering me.

Showering/bathing: The thought of not doing these isn't something I want to dwell on.  I love my bathroom time.  Unfortunately we only have a shower over bath, no nice walk in cubicle, so I don't know how much difference that'll make
Hair washing: Obviously related to the above as I'm assuming I can't bend to wash hair over the edge of the bath as I sometimes do.  Wonder if Kev will have to practice some back washing skills for me.  My hair needs washing every day really and dry shampoo isn't the same.  Maybe I should wear a hat if I get hospital visitors!
Toenails, cutting and painting of: I like doing my own.  Kev won't want to and I would also prefer not to have to let him.  May seriously consider looking into booking a pedicure (home visit?)
Dressing:  I love my jeans, I've lost weight this year and finally found a pair that fit nicely.  But they're quite stretchy which means close fitting where I'll have been cut open and glued back together.  Will invest in some more joggies (and how ironic is that when jogging is the last thing I've ever done even with functional legs!)
Compression socks:  I know I'll have to wear these but not for how long.  I can see Kev being delighted at having to put those on me.  
Bending:  This restricted bending rule is going to kill me.  This past week I've been paying attention more to what I bend for and not being able to bend in the immediate aftermath of the op is going to be so difficult.  Most of my pans, jugs etc that I use for cooking are in lower cupboards.  Can't bend to get things out of the oven. Can't put laundry in the washing machine.  Can't get to certain plug sockets.  Can't put boots on (by myself)  Can't feed the cat - that in itself isn't so bad as Kev can just do it as he does when I'm away, but she is the world's noisest cat so I can't shut her up with food if he isn't around
Carrying:  Now when I had surgery last year I did get pretty nifty with the crutches but it is a pain if you have to not only move yourself from one location to another but also to carry something.  I remember last time I perfected getting myself into the kitchen to make a sandwich and being able to hold the plate just right with the crutch.  Big fail was proudly making myself some soup then realising I had to just eat standing in the kitchen as I couldnt actually carry it anywhere.  I've been told I'll be on crutches for 3-4 weeks which I recall as being quite a bit longer than last time.  Will have to work on the transport strategy in advance!
Shoes and sex: See previous posts :)

The other stuff like pain management, sleeping, walking, driving are the big picture things.  As they improve so does everything else.  But for now I just keep thinking of the little details.  Even the fact that I'm clumsy and drop things but won't be able to pick them up.  I'm not known for my patience.  Which is why it's probably a good thing I'm planning on getting a new tablet and sorting out films and TV to catch up on to take my mind off what I can't do.  I know there's exercises and stuff I have to do but I do keep being told it's important to rest...for once I will have to be good at that too :)

Let's talk about sex...

I have to make a confession...I read 50 Shades when the book came out.  In fact thanks to a silly offer, I got all 3 to my Kindle for next to nothing and somehow managed to stick it out to the end.  I think I hoped it had to get better.  Then recently I saw the film, really because I felt I had to, having read the book.  I'd downloaded it to my tablet for something to watch on the flight to the US on a recent business trip but found I was trying to hide it from view from the cabin crew as they came by!  Actually it was bearable and killed some time, and mercifully there is no mention of inner goddesses...!  

Now everybody probably knows the basic premise of the story...I must admit that while handcuffs and blindfolds might be a bit fun, if it's gonna hurt then it's a no go in my book.  But it dawned on me that actually pain has started playing a bigger role in my bedroom life.  

Now my boys have left home and there's not that horrible situation of having kids in the next room who would know what you're up to, we should be able to enjoy more spontaneous fun.  Ok so we're older, work is busy and after almost 12 years together it's not quite the same as the early time when you're at it like rabbits, but we should still be able to have those moments of unbridled passion. Instead everything is now governed by 'will it hurt'.  Cosmopolitan magazine used to have a 'position of the month'; mine would be anything that lets me move my leg without excrutiating pain during/afterwards. In fact afterwards can be worse...you think you've done OK then find you can't move and spend 15 mins trying to crawl off the bed in such a way that your leg still functions when you get vertical.  

As passion killers go it's up there with thinking your mum or kids are going to walk in on you.  Not to mention the fact that I have a hubby who's scared of hurting me and isn't sure if he's going to hear the throes of ecstasy or screams of pain.  It's at the stage that getting both is good as the latter is almost guaranteed at some point!  I think it's mother nature's way of breaking me into the fact that after surgery it'll be a total no go for a while, so she's making it as unpleasant as possible now so I won't miss it!

So while Anastasia may have an inner goddess doing somersaults, I have an inner old dear who's happy with a good book and a mug of hot chocolate :)

Well heeled

OK I have already admitted I am far luckier than many people who are in real pain and suffering while waiting for their surgery.  I know that, I really do appreciate how fortunate I am and I really shouldn't complain.  But that doesn't mean I don't get wound up by the seemingly trivial, and I'm sorry if I now sound like a bit of a precious princess but the whole point of this blog is to record what I'm feeling, and some things DO matter to me even if they're pretty nonsensical in the grand scheme of things.

For me it's heels.  I have never been a shoe person really, always found it hard to find ones that fit.  But as I've got older I have started getting just a little bit obsessed with heels.  I hate my legs. They're big. Chunky. Worthy of a footballer. Male footballer but a bit less hairy.  But if I wear heels I am a bit happier about having the legs on show.  Don't worry - you will NEVER see me out in a mini skirt unless it's for charity and I'm drunk.  But I do like dresses and preferably with heels.  Or jeans with heels. I like heels.  Luckily I have a hubby who also likes heels and follows the mantra from 'Kinky Boots', 'the sex is in the heel'...I never have to feel guilty about buying shoes if they have heels ;)

This is the woman who went shopping for a pair of flat black boots and came home with a pair of 5" purple sparkly stillettoes.  And fell in love with a gorgeous pair of silver Jenny Packhams that I actually struggle to do up as my ankles can swell.  But just look at them...how can you not love these?

So realising that I'll be consigned to flats after surgery is not funny.  I've even been getting all kinds of warnings about wearing them now.  But it honestly doesn't hurt any more wearing them than wearing flats.  So no way am I giving in to being sensible.  In a little over 9 weeks I'll be sensible because I have to.  Until then, the heels stay.  I've bought a gorgeous slinky red dress for the Christmas party; I will wear heels with it.  And if it hurts...well heels and a shiny purple walking stick can be my latest fashion accessories :)

Emotional rescue

I’ve already gone through quite a few emotions in just a short time since getting op confirmed.  On the day I was told,  I was by myself and had to just drive home, so stopped for some new clothes  on the way back.  When the going gets tough, the tough (or not so tough as it turns out) go shopping...I seem to have spent a fortune lately, when stress levels go up out comes the credit card!  At home I told hubby Kev who wasn’t unduly surprised and quite laid back about it...which is entirely as I’d have expected.  Logically it all made sense but right at that moment I wasn’t ready for logic.  I felt like crying, I felt like I was losing control of my own life, I felt old and my self esteem, which is never the best, was just being hammered down.  I didn’t need logic or reason – I just needed a hug.  I think I told Kev that but with a bit more shouting and effing!  In my head it was all perfectly right, of course I needed the surgery and chances are it will be the best thing for me etc etc.  I know all that.  But then in a lot of things in my life, if I’d listened to my head instead of being swayed by heart or hormones, I’d have made much more sensible choices.  But that’s not my style – I do emotional well!  

When I went into work I caught my manager alone and had a quiet word with her to tell her, and found myself on the verge of getting teary.  Then same thing happened when talking to a guy I work with shortly after, and then later on with another couple of colleagues.  I held it together - not only sparing my own embarassment but also theirs! It was good in some ways to get it out though...I usually share via the lovely Facebook but had deliberately avoided that until telling my manager.  But all day I felt really down over it and that feeling keeps coming back at times.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning this sound like one big whinge and most of the time I'm quite fine with things.  I'm one of those people who tries to have a laugh over things and people probably think I'm a lot more confident than I really feel.  It's down to being gobby when inside I'm a mass of insecurities.   And generally I do feel fine but sometimes I'll think of something, or read something...or whatever, for just no reason I'll just feel rubbish.  It’s funny how my consultant refers to me as a young patient at the tender age of 51, whereas I’m feeling old, unattractive, unsexy and now know I’ve got weeks to come where I have to lose my independence, not to mention dignity.  It’s not a fun feeling and all the ‘think how good you’ll feel after it’s all over’ platitudes don’t actually help when I'm on a downer.  What would help is having a time machine and warp driving to 6 months down the line, with a nice new hip and pain free life.  Failing that there is chocolate and prosecco :)

Bit of background

Firstly I have to say I have no idea what a typical journey to hip replacement is like but I think it’s probably a bit rougher than mine’s been.  Mine goes back a bit but luckily hasn’t been a long road full of pain so I do recognise and am very grateful to some luck and private health care.

A bit over 4 years ago I was pretty healthy and fairly fit.  I did zumba and belly dancing, and went to the gym, mostly in an attempt to slim down for my wedding in October 2011.  But earlier on in that year I started getting some pain in my left hip.  I saw a physio at work and she diagnosed impingement, and got me doing some exercises.  The left hip didn’t get any worse but my right one did!  I developed pain in my groin which at times was really sharp and I had a lot of discomfort in my thigh to the point that driving more than about 30 mins was to be avoided, and I had to pack in the dancing and zumba.  I kept going to the gym on doctor’s advice but had to avoid anything twisty or which put too much bending.  Eventually the physio referred me to a consultant who examined me and sent me for MRI scans.  It seemed I had signs of impingement in both hips but also a labral tear (tear in the connective tissue in the hip joint) on my right side.  He tried me with steroid injections which hurt like hell and did bog all else, then it became clear I would go down the route of arthroscopy but just for the right hip – my leftie was playing nicely so he was happy to do just the one.

In the meantime my mobility had got a lot worse.  I was working 3 days a week at home and being driven in the other days.  I couldn’t drive far at all and couldn’t walk far without a stick.  My consultant had let me choose when I wanted my op and I held back until after our holiday...there was no way I wanted to risk missing my first cruise if recovery didn’t go so well!  So holiday came and went and then July 2012 saw me have the arthroscopy.  The good news was that there was significant pain relief after it.  The bad news was that I had a lot of osteoarthritic degeneration and couldn’t mend the labral tear.  They did a good clean up of all the ‘bits’ I had floating around which had been catching in the tear and causing the pain, but told me I would ultimately need hip replacement surgery, though he was reluctant to do that at my age (all of a sudden 48 was young!!) if my day to day life was OK.  To be honest it never was properly OK in that I had the odd ‘catch’ but more irritating was the discomfort on rotating my hip.  Which meant dancing and zumba were still out...and certain forms of...ahem...horizontal dancing were still painful.  But overall I managed OK.

Then over the past 18 months my workload has meant I do  lot of sitting down at the PC, exercise went by the wayside and things got more uncomfy.  I picked up doing my exercises, I re-started pilates but it was clear it was getting worse.  I had a couple of episodes where my leg gave way beneath me; I was getting a lot more ‘catching’ and pain in my knee was getting worse.  I decided to go back to check out what was happening and what my options were.   And that’s where things have happened pretty quickly.  I saw my GP on 9 November, who referred me back to the same consultant, Mr Hoad-Reddick at the Alexandra hospital in Cheadle.  I saw him on 25 November, half hoping he’d tell me I was too young and find some non-surgical way of curing me, but more realistically thinking he’d refer me back for an MRI and then we’d talk possible options.  Instead he sent me for an x-ray there and then, then back in his office afterwards we were looking at a picture of a hip in a rather sorry state.  My bone space has gone which means I have bone on bone, and also the top of my femur is growing outwards and that’s restricting mobility even more.  Next thing he’s there telling me the only realistic option is replacement and spelling out the risks (from being a bit sore and limping afterwards to death from pulmonary embolism!).  He left it with me to discuss with husband and at work and arrange for a date.  So having done both I then rang back on Friday  27^th Nov and booked myself in for Monday 15 Feb.  Which is just 10 weeks from today and suddenly seems very real and close and a little bit scary.