Pain, pain go away...

So Wednesday night I wore the new slinky red dress and heels and headed to our work's Christmas party.  The little sensible voice was telling me to ditch the heels for flats but the bit of me trying to claw some self esteem back over-ruled common sense.  I've had real up and down days since getting the surgery confirmed and when I bought the dress it was in a spirit of being determined to make myself feel better.  So I wore it and I felt good and I got loads of compliments on how I looked so it did the trick.

But whether it was just the heels I don't know but I really did seem to pay the price.  I actually felt quite miserable on the night; I couldn't dance, I didn't even have the energy to put myself through walking round the place looking for friends to catch up with so spent most of the night sat at my table.  And on the one night I didn't want to have to do too much walking our table was at the furthest point possible from the bar/loos/exit.

To be honest I have been struggling since last weekend with it feeling more painful but since Wednesday it's gone up a notch.  I have finally swallowed my pride at work and resorted to using my stick in the office.  I'm still mostly able to keep off the painkillers but it's definitely more noticeably uncomfortable.  Last night I felt really sore.  A hot bath didn't help and I ended up with an ice pack on my hip.

I also hit a real low emotionally.  My mum had 3 hip replacements so I know who to thank for dodgy hip genetics!  She passed away last year and for whatever reason I've not really done much in the way of crying and feeling that hollow upset feeling.  But last night it hit me.  Much as she'd drive me nuts fussing over me going through this, I just wanted to talk to her and I missed her so much.  I went to bed feeling totally drained as well as so sore.

Today I feel a bit better but made the mistake of going to the shops and forgot to take my stick.  I didn't walk far but it was far enough.  It's left me in 2 minds about going out tonight.  All I do when we have a disco to run is basically sit/stand behind the desk so I'm not doing anything to tax the hip but I'm just very conscious of it.  And also very frustrated at not being able to dance myself.  But unless I do myself any damage in the next few hours I'll be there. It feels like otherwise I won't see Kev for one thing.  It's hard on him as I don't think he really knows what to do or say.  To be honest I don't think there is anything he can do on either count.  I now am a bit worried that I should have booked my op for earlier; last night I was genuinely wondering how I could cope with another 7 weeks of this.  But then I have a better day and  better mood so I hope it will settle and I'll get on with things.

Bottom line is I know that there are many people who've been suffering worse for far longer and don't even know if they'll get surgery so I keep reminding myself that I'm actually in a decent situation really.  So instead of moping I'm going to try for some PMA and focus on the important things.  Like hoping Liverpool win against Watford tomorrow.  Now a defeat against them would be painful...!