Emotional rescue

I’ve already gone through quite a few emotions in just a short time since getting op confirmed.  On the day I was told,  I was by myself and had to just drive home, so stopped for some new clothes  on the way back.  When the going gets tough, the tough (or not so tough as it turns out) go shopping...I seem to have spent a fortune lately, when stress levels go up out comes the credit card!  At home I told hubby Kev who wasn’t unduly surprised and quite laid back about it...which is entirely as I’d have expected.  Logically it all made sense but right at that moment I wasn’t ready for logic.  I felt like crying, I felt like I was losing control of my own life, I felt old and my self esteem, which is never the best, was just being hammered down.  I didn’t need logic or reason – I just needed a hug.  I think I told Kev that but with a bit more shouting and effing!  In my head it was all perfectly right, of course I needed the surgery and chances are it will be the best thing for me etc etc.  I know all that.  But then in a lot of things in my life, if I’d listened to my head instead of being swayed by heart or hormones, I’d have made much more sensible choices.  But that’s not my style – I do emotional well!  

When I went into work I caught my manager alone and had a quiet word with her to tell her, and found myself on the verge of getting teary.  Then same thing happened when talking to a guy I work with shortly after, and then later on with another couple of colleagues.  I held it together - not only sparing my own embarassment but also theirs! It was good in some ways to get it out though...I usually share via the lovely Facebook but had deliberately avoided that until telling my manager.  But all day I felt really down over it and that feeling keeps coming back at times.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning this sound like one big whinge and most of the time I'm quite fine with things.  I'm one of those people who tries to have a laugh over things and people probably think I'm a lot more confident than I really feel.  It's down to being gobby when inside I'm a mass of insecurities.   And generally I do feel fine but sometimes I'll think of something, or read something...or whatever, for just no reason I'll just feel rubbish.  It’s funny how my consultant refers to me as a young patient at the tender age of 51, whereas I’m feeling old, unattractive, unsexy and now know I’ve got weeks to come where I have to lose my independence, not to mention dignity.  It’s not a fun feeling and all the ‘think how good you’ll feel after it’s all over’ platitudes don’t actually help when I'm on a downer.  What would help is having a time machine and warp driving to 6 months down the line, with a nice new hip and pain free life.  Failing that there is chocolate and prosecco :)