If I were a boy

When Beyonce sung that song it was basically about how a boy couldn’t properly understand girls, love, hurt.  I think she missed a trick personally as there are so many more male-defining traits that I could think of. 

• The apparent freedom to belch, fart and fiddle with genitals in public.  If I’m a bit uncomfy in my bra while out shopping, you won’t see me hoisting my boobs around to sort things out – I’ll wait until I can get to the ladies and sort out discreetly

• The inability to ask for directions.  I credit myself with some intelligence and if I am somewhere new that I’m not familiar with, I don’t consider it as shameful to ask somebody where to go.  Even with a sat nav it’s not always helpful as I found when my sat nav tried to make me turn right the wrong way down a one way road in Leeds.  To be fair I think that has to be the worst place to drive to/in/round.  I went on a second visit only 6 days later and was still hopelessly lost, driving down bus/taxi lanes as they were the only roads I got onto in the right direction.  But a man will spend half a day and half a tank of petrol in a state of ‘it’ll be just along here’ before they even consider asking for assistance

• Avoiding simple colds and going straight for man-flu and expecting loads of sympathy and total absolution from  any tasks that need doing, that a woman with a cold would do without batting an eyelid

• Being able to pee standing up.  Now this is the biggie for me for which I really do envy men.  And something that takes on a whole new level of envy with the impending hip thing

I know I should get given some kind of toilet booster seat but I'm hoping I won't be housebound all the time and then there comes the issue of managing on normal seats.  And thank god I'm not going on a business trip to the States  - the loos there were really low down!  It was a bit like going back and visiting your old primary school.  I did wonder what would happen if my hip gave out mid visit.  And to think i thought using a stick in front of my work colleagues was embarassing!  Anyway with the knowledge that using another toilet might be a bit problematic - I'm fine with hovering but not sure how easy that is with crutches/stick/sore bits - I bought a SheWee (other brand female urinals are available).  I've done nothing with it yet except admire the very bright purple colouring and wondered who thought that would be a discreet way of blending in subtly.  My friend who plays golf tells me that women in her golf club use them…maybe that’s why golf sweaters are so vivid, it helps a lady using her purple plastic friend look less conspicuous.  Anyway I no longer need to worry about hovering over less than pristine toilets or being stuck risking dislocation on one that’s too low.  I can just assemble my purple gizmo with convenient extension tube and remain standing.  Just as long as I know where to go to use it.  God forbid I should ask anybody for directions…!